what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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