So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
