I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Ladies don't puke and tell
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
