i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
