If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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