I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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