Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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