Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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