I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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