God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
