We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My vagina just recognized that song.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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