Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
