i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
