Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
is that a dick in a sweater?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
