i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
