Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
