You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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