He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
