i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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