I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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