You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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