I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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