You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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