Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I intend to get homeless drunk
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
