You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
