When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
