i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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