May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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