it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
