Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
