you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
