Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
