Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
