It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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