i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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