if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
