I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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