Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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