I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
