Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
