im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
