I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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