Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
