her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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