great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
