Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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