You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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