Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
