So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
