Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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