I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
