i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
17 year olds will be the death of me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
