Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize