Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize