if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i think im in europe. pls send help
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
