Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's like iHOP with fire
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
