i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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