Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
True college students do jello shots in the library
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