I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
