so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
